Wednesday September 17
17 September 08 - 06:26
I have been struggling since 1AM with updating this blog. The struggle is not what to write, but the struggle is remaining transparent & honest. When I came home from work yesterday Susie was dressing Jim in the hopes of being able to get him up in his chair. I finished that and switched the drainage bag to a leg bag. Well. the Physical Therapist came at 4 and dinner came at 5:30. By the time we finished eating it was 6:30. I cleaned up our dishes & then went into the back of the house where my bedroom is to try & pick up a few things I had not found time to do earlier. Jim whistled for me & I had a moment of anger/resentment at not being able to do things that needed to be done. That passed quickly but the guilt remained. How could I be angry or resentful at Jim's helplessness? I took care of his needs & soon it was close to bedtime and Jim had not gotten up in his chair. Then I had to undress him, turning him from side to side to get his clothes off, pull him back up in the bed by moving the bed down so I could stand at the head & bend over & pull him up using the draw sheet & then reposition the draw sheet, which entailed again turning him from side to side, and remove the TED stockings and switch the catheter bag back. In the midst of the turning I broke down due to how hard all this is physically. Once I started crying I could not stop & Jim started crying also.
When we are both upset like this, all the frustration, hurt, injustice, unfairness, fear of the future, cruelty of the situation - everything you can imagine - pours out. I can't help him emotionally or spiritually because I am too upset myself. He can't help me because of the same reason. The only good in these instances is that we are together & sharing what lies just under the surface all the time. We struggle with just maintaining.
Yes, God has provided for us mightily. Yes, we know He will not forsake us. Yes, we know that in all things God works. We know all these things & many more, but let me tell you, life here day to day & hour to hour is hard. For me, the loss of freedom to just hop in the car anytime I choose & go wherever I want for whatever purpose I choose, this is big. Not being able to work as much as I need to is hard. For Jim, the extreme helplessness of his situation is hard, the worrying about me & how long I can do all this is hard. He admitted he sees his future in some "home" where I come & visit him & then leave. Neither of us can bear that thought.
I have tried in this blog to always be honest. I do not share these things to garner your pity, but to maintain that honesty. If I am not honest before my God & before all of you who have supported in us in so many ways, what am I but a hypocrite? So, please understand where we are & pray specifically for these times of sadness & depression & fatigue and fear. I will try to update again soon with some better news, but it was important to me to share what I have today so you can pray for us about all these things.
In His Love, Marilyn
three comments:
I am so touched by your words and am praying for you both. The following scripture comes to mind for you today:
Isaiah 61
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
God Bless you both,
Susie
Susie Pontious Wellborn () - 17 09 08 - 09:22
Marilyn and Jim,
My heart breaks as I read your blog.I am amazed at the strength that our Lord and Savior give you daily. I pray so often for you both and I continue to pray for a healing miracle. I know that nothing is impossible for our God. Please know that you are daily in my prayers and thoughts.
chris
chris daigle () - 23 09 08 - 18:55
I’ve heard so many times lately that “life isn’t fair.” But what does that mean? We have so many ideas of what we think our life should be and if our situation doesn’t measure up to what we think life should be, life just becomes “unfair.” The thing I’ve learned most about every-thing that I’ve been dealt throughout my time here is that life is neither fair or unfair, it is just life. God’s plan quite often does not come anywhere near being close to our idea of “fair” by what He brings into our moments and days. But I’ve learned mostly to look for the good in each moment, whatever the moment is or wherever that moment takes me. God will do and complete His will one way or the other. It is our job to submit and commit. But what sweet peace and joy that submission and commission can bring. I love you Marilyn, my friend, but not nearly as much as God does and always will.
Judy
Judy Knoblock - 01 10 08 - 22:27
